Let me start this blog by saying it's about dagdanged time Paul started contributing around here. I fully support his open letters, especially to Wilco, who used to be good before Jeff Tweedy gained enough confidence to consider himself a poetartist instead of a singer in a band. I also think his letter to VW should be CC'ed to BMW, who is also constantly concerned with seatbelt usage.
Just in case you haven't heard, my defibrillator shocked me 5 times in 2 minutes Saturday morning and it hurt worse than I ever imagined. It's kind of like being round-house kicked in the chest by Chuck Norris (with his stronger right leg) while being electrocuted. I don't recommend it.
Anyway, I'm back in the hospital and here are 10 of my complaints:
1. If blood loss is legitimately fatal, how can nurses get away with taking mine one vial at a time every hour? I like my blood and don't want them taking it but they don't seem to care.
2. Do they really need to measure my urine? I just went ahead and went in the toilet the first day and when the nurse came in looking for my pee I told her I'd estimate what I flushed at around 8oz. She looked very concerned and told me to please use the urinal that is provided. She shook her head and said, "I'll just have to write down you went an unmeasured amount."
3. Another pee complaint. A nurse comes in at 4am, turns on my light and asks, "Do you know if you've yooorinated since 11 last night?" My pee jug was empty and my bed felt dry so I didn't think so. "Well we're going to need you to go before the shift change." I got up and went.
4. The next morning the same thing: 4am, light comes on, empty pee jug.
Nurse: Do you know if you've yooooorinated since 11 last night?
Danny: I don't know.
Nurse: Well we're going to need some yoooorine before the shift change.
Danny: What time is the shift change?
Nurse: 7-8:30.
Danny: So I have 3 hours.
Nurse: They don't like to start the shift change without yooorine.
Danny: I'll have some pee for you by 7.
I thought that would get rid of her but she came back to check for pee every fifteen minutes until I finally drug myself out of bed and went sometime around 5:30am.
5. I have no more untapped veins in my arms or hands available for IV's.
6, I watched The View for almost 20 minutes this morning.
7. I don't want to mention the food because that part of hospital life is well-documented. It's important to note, however, that I've been snacking on paper towels.
8. Shawn Harrison, who we all know as Waldo Geraldo Faldo, is a comedic genius and should star in movies as a bumbling sidekick to a hardcore cop with a drinking problem.
9. Why does every single person who comes in here have to listen to my heart and lungs? I think they must hear something hilarious in there and they're all out in the hall laughing about it.
10. I don't like bathing at a sink. Actually I don't like bathing at all but I especially don't like bathing at a sink.
In closing, be good, eat your vegetables, wear your seatbelt, don't drink and drive, don't engage in risky behavior, exercise regularly, take your meds, and please, if your grandma is in the hospital go visit the poor woman.
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