Upcoming Contributions to these Interwebs

I am in the process of writing numerous letters of concern to various companies, organizations, groups, etc. What follows is a short, incomplete list of these letters in no particular order:

• Cheez-it - I bought a box a couple weeks ago and they tasted stale...but not really stale. I guess they kind of tasted like a cheap knock-off...almost like a Cheese Nip, but not really. The cheese was not right, nor was the amount of salt. Something had gone awry. They need to know.


• Volkswagen - While riding shotgun in a friend's car, it repeatedly beeped until I buckled up. "Mind y'own beez wax!" will be included in this letter.


• Wilco - What happened to these guys? At this rate, they will be selling their albums exclusively at Wal-Mart in five years. Jeff, start smoking again. Nels, step in front of a car. Jay, count your blessings and thank Jeff for ridding you of this nightmare.


• Full Tilt Poker - I am on to your games. You pick me up, then you throw me down. Hand after hand, streak after streak, you push and pull me as you please. Not anymore, old friend. The year 2007 will ne'er see PawlSmyth at your tables again. Look for me in the new year, and be on your best behavior. You know that I am not afraid to use that "self-exclusion" option. Do not force my hand.

DogDoggit

The ARVD is Whipping Me

Here's an update:

The doctors confirmed that I do have ARVD and put me on medicine called Sotalol. It's supposed to regulate my heartbeat and keep it from going into ventricular tachycardia (rapid heartbeat). They also put the pacemaker/defibrillator in my chest, which is shown in the picture. The pacemaker's purpose is to give my heart 8 solid beats in case it ever goes out of control again. If that doesn't get it going in a good rhythm the defibrillator will shock me to reset my heart. Thankfully it's a pretty small cut and the soreness is almost gone. I have a few more days before I'm allowed to lift my arm above my head and then I'll be almost back to normal.

I joined an ARVD support group on Yahoo! and have gotten some good information there. Most people have either never been shocked or have been shocked 20+ times. I'm hoping I'll be in the first group.

I had a lot of great people bring me things and keep me company while I was in the hospital and I'm very thankful for that. It even gave me a chance to get to see some old friends I hadn't seen in awhile.

The other good news is that since I've been out of the hospital I haven't peed on myself.

So my plans from here are to take up non-competitive medium-speed walking, golf, and find more people to play ping-pong with me. I was going to the YMCA for basketball 3 times a week before all this happened and considered going back to be the referee but I realized that would make everyone hate me.

A few people have asked me about it, so I've decided when I have more time I'll write about how pooping saved my life. I know this will be a favorite subject for years to come for at least a few people (I'm looking at you, Tommy Hall).

The Real Story (Without Tommy's Bias)

I gave up on blogging awhile ago when I realized it was too much like writing. I figured I'd resume it temporarily though since I have this blog space sitting here and needed some outlet to let everyone know what's going on with me so you don't hear any crazy rumors. And also to defend myself from Tommy's blogs about this subject.

Actually I really can't defend myself too much. I'm in the ICU at St. Joseph's Hospital, haven't showered in four days, had to poop in a bucket, had an outbreak of what we're calling 'saline farts', and peed on my arm. It's actually what my life is like a lot of times, just that all those things happened in three days instead of seven.

To make a long story short, I've been having dizzy spells, racing heart, and passing out sometimes. Saturday night I was driving back from the Broecker house with Ashley and Paul and when I got out in Florence to pump some gas I collapsed. I was only out for 10-20 seconds but the last advice I got from a doctor was to get immediate help the next time it happened.

They drove me to the ER and when they hooked me up to all the stuff a lot of people started rushing in. One doctor kept rubbing really hard on my neck and said, "Bear down like you're trying to take a serious bowel movement. Come on, you need to make your face turn really red!" That was kind of funny since I needed to go at the time anyway and even though I didn't know I was in danger, she didn't know she was in danger of getting pooped on.

So basically what they've told me now is that twice that night my heart rate was near 300 (it's usually around 60), which is life-threatening if they can't get it stopped. The scary part to me is that Monday - Friday night I could feel my heart doing the same thing except worse.

Saturday night the doctor came in and said he's pretty sure I have a rare thing called ARVD. The cardiologist here has been at it for a long time and says he's never seen a case of it. It's a long name and if you're curious about it you can look at www.arvd.com or go to webMD and search for it. They have a pretty interesting video about it there. It has something to do with my right ventricle being enlarged which causes the electrical part of my heart to start messing up and freaking out sometimes.

Tomorrow they're going in through my leg to do electrical mapping of my heart and based on what they find they'll do a little burning here and there to fix me up. They're also going to put an ICD (defibrillator) under my skin above my heart to shock when it starts going out of control. So the good news with that is I'm now invincible.

The bad news is I can't ever play competitive sports again and will be limited in some other ways. He says I should probably take up golf. He also says I can continue to dominate in ping-pong.

There you go, the real story. I may update this in the next couple of days to let you know how everything goes or if anything changes. Or if I pee on myself again.