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American Idol Suggestions

2009-05-03T20:41:00.007-04:00

Although I rarely miss an episode of American Idol, I've never actually given in and voted for a contestant. Week after week I find myself sitting on the couch saying, "For me, for you, this was not the best song choice, dog." Sometimes I call them "dog" and sometimes I don't.

Here are a couple songs that would guarantee the contestant at least one extra vote in the competition. Who knows, it just might make the difference, Kris Allen.

Harry Nilsson - Everybody's Talkin'

What a beautiful, relaxed song about pining for the beach to replace the annoying people in the singer's life. So pleasant and peaceful...but wait, what is this at the 1:10 minute mark? Wow. That was pretty nice. What was that? Some type of howling? It sounded awesome. I'd like to hear more of that. Well, wait until about the 2:18 minute mark and there ya go. "I won't let you leaaaaauuueeueueuaveeeee whoooaahheoooooooooooaaahahaahhhhhhhhhhhh."

Ideal Idol Contestant: Jason Castro from Season 7

Judge Reactions

Randy: Dog, you rocked the house!
New Judge: Three words: Your best performance of the decade!
Paula: I am just so in love with you right now.
Simon: Absolutely brilliant.

Blues Traveler - Hook

For the sake of time, let's move straight past verses 1 and 2 (which are awesome) and the hook of a chorus and start at the harmonica solo at the 2:40 minute mark. Whoa! At 3:06 you think he has hit the highest note on his harmonica. Then surely at 3:14. 3:15? 3:16? How long is this harmonica? There it is at 3:17. Whoo! I know what you and Randy Jackson are thinking, "This is a singing competition! Who cares about the harmonica solo?" Fine. From 3:28 to 4:14 victory is sealed. It would be great if the contestant could play the harmonica solo him or herself, but that is asking a bit too much. I would settle for a guest appearance by John Popper or another famous harmonica player. Are there any others?

Ideal Idol Contestant: Taylor Hicks...but he would have to be fat.

Judge Reactions

Randy: Yo, yo, yo, yo, dog, yo, yo yo...what was that, dog? You got some pipes! And listen...after all that blowin' on the harmonica and that awesome breakdown near the end, people forget that you can really sing!

New Judge: Wha...what? You were like, "Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in if you're Rin Tin..." What? Wait...did I write that song?

Paula: Loved the harmonica...were those some G and E notes there? When I close my eyes and hear that voice...the harmonica...up on that stage...its you...and...my heart just pounds...cause...exceptional performance. You have one of the sexiest voices ever.

Simon: The first truly remarkable performance of the season.

There are a lot more songs that would probably get me to vote, but I've been day-dreaming about these two quite a bit lately. Give me a comment if you have any dream performances in your head.

Thirty Most Influential Albums

2009-03-24T18:50:00.003-04:00

Okay, I realize this is long and somewhere along the line it got out of control but if you don't want to read about each album it's fine. I know you spend 3/4 of your day on celebrity gossip blogs, fantasy sports advice sites, and scrolling through facebook photos of people you hate, but you really don't need to read this unless you really, really want. Make a day of it if that's what it takes. Or just look at the albums and tell me if you like any of them.

30. Newsboys - Take Me to Your Leader
Take Me to Your Leader and Breakfast were the most popular songs on this album - and they're great songs - but my favorites were Cup O' Tea and Lost the Plot. This was my favorite album for a time in middle school and I think if I heard it again it would still sound pretty good.

29. Charlie Daniels Band - Christmas Time Down South
This is the CD we listened to every year on the way to Missouri to see our family at Christmas. I never realized the line “Carolina, I hear you calling…” would be so true, but here I am. We listened to a lot of Charlie Daniels but this one had happier lyrics (with the birth of Christ and all) than the other stuff I remember…like the one about tying someone to a stump and letting the rattlers and the bugs and the alligators do the rest.

28. Audio Adrenaline – Bloom
This is the only CD I had from Audio Adrenaline and I think it might be partly because of their name. If you’re used to hearing it I guess it doesn’t sound that bad, but when you look at it for a while and think about the meaning of each word it really is a terrible band name. It’s the equivalent of person calling himself The Edge. Stupid. But anyway, Never Gonna Be as Big as Jesus and I Hear Jesus Calling were great songs, and I listened to this a lot.

27. Uncle Tupelo – March 16 - 20, 1992
I’d heard of Uncle Tupelo because of my love for Wilco, but had never actually heard them until I found this CD at a thrift store in college - which means I got the CD about ten years late. But I liked hearing young guys covering old songs and this album is timeless.

26. Wilco – Summerteeth
I only wanted to do one album from each artist for this list, but I’m pretty sure I realized how much I liked Ashley when she started singing She’s a Jar. So I think that counts as influential. And even though he was really annoying in that documentary, Wilco was a much better band when Jay Bennett was helping write and record the songs.

25.Tom T. Hall - In Search of a Song
This is the soundtrack of station wagons breaking down, driving past hog farms, sleeping in the back in the space between the luggage, being the first to see the Arch, and calling the window seat.

24. Bruce Springsteen – Nebraska
I’m not a big fan of the Boss (besides his guest appearance on Mathnet), but I love this album. It’s very stark, sounds homemade, and is full of small-town and poor people detail. It has a couple great murder ballads and I love the way the narrator addresses his listener as “Sir.”

23. The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
I was in a music store in a mall in Fort Wayne when Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground came on. I thought it was some ‘70’s band I’d never heard of so I asked the clerk about it. He told me who it was and said they were really good, so I bought it. I had a minor freak-out listening to it on the way home because I thought I heard Jack White say the N-word twice in the first line of the first song. I looked at the CD and it was called WHITE Blood Cells. The band was named The WHITE Stripes. Then I convinced myself I’d accidentally purchased some kind of weird white supremacist CD and oh no how will I ever explain this to Tembe’!? Thankfully, I was wrong, he was singing, “hear your lips make a sound,” so I got to continue loving this CD. (Listen to the sample on Amazon and you might be able to see how I made this mistake.)

22. Radiohead - OK Computer
I remember seeing this in Wal-Mart in high school and listening on one of those music listening thingys that hardly ever worked. I probably had no idea what to think of it at the time and bought it based on the sticker proclaiming it as one of the best of the year. From then on it was always handy in the console of the Beast. (This is also the only album on my list that I’ve never completely listened to from start to finish, but come on, has anyone ever listened to all of Fitter Happier?) I don’t spend enough time between headphones or driving by myself anymore to listen to much Radiohead, and my mood is probably better as a result.

21. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
I usually don’t like studio-y stuff (Queen didn’t make my list) but this is an exception. The songs are all really good and I used to love that one song where the women start singing really high and for awhile you can’t tell if it’s singing or instruments. This one spent a lot of time in Betsy Ross’s CD player.

20. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers – Greatest Hits
After we’d procrastinated for days on our Mammal Research Project for Mr. Franklin’s science class, Derek Noe, Tony Hobbs and I rewrote Free Fallin’ as Free Mammals. The other group presentations included pictures, video clips, and other boring stuff like research…ours included Derek and Tony on guitar and my off-key singing about a sperm whale. I don’t remember failing the class, so I guess it turned out okay.

19. Blind Melon - Self Titled
I always loved No Rain but really didn’t have any expectations for the rest of the CD. I could probably only tell you the name of a couple songs on this CD, but I know my favorites are numbers 2, 3, and the last one. I think this is one of the only albums I listened to the summer I worked at the Rec Center in Clay County, KY. It’s the soundtrack to driving fast on Kentucky curvy roads with the windows down because your AC doesn’t work and the volume all the way up because your Bronco II is so loud.

18. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club
I never became a huge Beatles fan, and I can’t help but think some of their music is kind of annoying. Yeah, I said it. But this is the album I bought to find out if I’d like them and it was all I listened to for a few months. I don’t like the weird instrument during the verse of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, but it’s hard to not love an album with so many classic songs.

17. Marcy Playground - Marcy Playground
This is one of the most underrated albums of the 90’s. Yeah, I assumed they were a one-hit wonder too, but somewhere along the line I got the album and I was wrong. I was trying to learn to play guitar at the time and the songs were simple enough for me to try to play (just let it hang on the B-minors). I remember getting a concerned look from my mom when she heard me singing One More Suicide, but I don’t think she listened long enough to realize the song is a report, not an endorsement.

16. The Mighty Ducks Soundtrack
This is the first tape I ever bought with my own money. I don’t think it ever left my Walkman. Tag Team, back again, check it to wreck it let’s begin, party on party people let me hear some noise, DC’s in the house jump jump for joy. Party over here, party over there, wave your hands in the air, shake your derriere. These three words when you’re getting busy: Whoomp! There it is, hit me. Or at least that’s how I remember it.

15. Old Crow Medicine Show – O.C.M.S.
This is another CD of young guys making old time music. Wagon Wheel is an instant classic, and We’re All in This Together isn’t far behind. I don't know why, but this CD was comforting to me when I was really worried about being defibrillated again. It’s a perfect mix of fast and slow and their other albums haven’t come close to this one.

14. Ricky Skaggs - Live in London/My Father’s Son
I’m cheating by having two albums here, but it’s the same album to me. These were two of our family favorites and we wore the tapes out in Chevy station wagons. I’ll never forget loudly singing Honey, Won’t You Open That Door in the bathroom outside the camp kitchen and then walking out to find Steve Callahan waiting to go in. I’m pretty sure later that day he painted a face on his stomach and pretended his belly button was whistling.

13. Lynyrd Skynyrd - Gold and Platinum
Besides Sweet Home Alabama and Freebird, I somehow managed to not hear (or at least not notice) any of this music until I was a pallbearer at a funeral. After the service, Simple Man came blasting on and it’s just one of those moments where you never forget the first time you hear a song. Anyway, I got the album and I still can’t believe how many great songs they wrote in the short time they were around. There’s nothing to skip on this double disc.

12. Collective Soul - Self Titled
In middle school, I spent a lot of time upstairs in my room, lying in front of my Aiwa CD player with a blank tape ready to go. I was trying to record December when it came on the radio and for the longest time I could only get bits and pieces of it. Then I borrowed the CD from someone at school and they became my favorite band for a couple years. (Okay, maybe they were tied with Hootie.)

11. Carole King – Tapestry
I think the Broecker’s introduced me to Carole King. Either way, I spent a lot of time with them driving around in their dad’s brown Astro van listening to this CD. I still can’t believe how much I enjoy listening to this, but when the Avett Brother’s covered (You Make Me Feel Like) a Natural Woman everything seemed okay.

10. Bob Dylan - Greatest Hits Vol. II
My first Bob Dylan CD. I love all of it. My four favorites are Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right, All I Really Want to Do, A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall, and It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue.

9. Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison and San Quentin
I bought this in high school and it’s the reason I love Johnny Cash. The only part that bugged me was when he started talking to a guy in the crowd during a serious song. I think it was Dark as a Dungeon, but I can’t remember right now. My favorites are Jackson, Folsom Prison Blues, Cocaine Blues, Long Black Veil, and Wanted Man.

8. Hootie and the Blowfish - Cracked Rear View
For some reason I caught a lot of flack from my family for liking this band. It was a big topic of conversation at the lake one summer and my uncle had everyone calling them Howie and the Catfish. But come on, look up the track list and tell me this isn’t a great CD.

7. Tom T. Hall - Magnificent Music Machine
My dad introduced me to Tom T. Hall by playing him a lot when we were kids. I remember seeing the record cover (a goofy cartoon picture) and thinking this was a children’s album. I didn’t remember how good the music was until I bought the CD a couple years ago and fell in love with it again. It’s a bluegrass/country mix, but mostly it’s just great songs. When I found out Fox on the Run was a cover of a British rock band named Sweet, it made me love it even more.

6. The Avett Brothers - Four Thieves Gone
My brother, Paul, told me about this band I’d probably like and their song called Talk on Indolence. I already had the song on a Paste Music Sampler so I found it and was in awe of this banjo-based madness. I drove many miles through Illinois listening to this album and strained my neck more than once while headbangdriving with Josh and Mark. If you haven’t heard Talk on Indolence, look it up. If you haven’t heard The Avett Brothers, this wouldn't be a terrible place to start.

5. Weezer - The Blue Album
This album will always remind me of riding around curvy roads with variations of Chris, Katie, Brooke, Hope, Paul, and whoever else would fit in the brown Astro van – probably on the way to Richmond. It was always loud, it was always fun, and we always knew all the words. (Except the fast part in My Name is Jonas. I could never get that.)

4. Neil Young - Live Rust
This is one of the first Neil Young albums I bought. I can’t remember if I had Harvest first, but this one is half acoustic/half electric so it really has everything I like about Neil Young. (Sedan Delivery is the only song on this album that I didn’t like for awhile…then I realized it was kind of hilarious and now I like it.)

3. John Prine - Prime Prine
My first John Prine CD and I never looked back. Paul and I listened to this almost every day on the way to and from school or basketball practice. I think the lyric “drove an English teacher half insane” was especially meaningful to me at the time.

2.Wilco - Being There
I was trying to figure out what kind of music I liked in high school when I picked up this album and saw a sticker that said it was named one of the best albums of the year by Rolling Stone. I liked the looks of it and I got two CD’s for one low price so at the time I guess that was enough to make me spend a large percentage of my current net worth on a band I’d never heard of. It was worth it.

1. The Moldy Peaches - Self Titled
If all you ever listen to is perfect, made-in-the-studio music, writing a song yourself seems impossible. But if you listen to a teenager recording nonsense in his room with his former babysitter and some friends, and they make songs about lucky numbers and guys named Jorge Regula and steak for chicken, you start to remember that making music is supposed to be fun. I think it’s kind of like if you spend a lot of time reading Shakespeare, you forget that Dr. Seuss was actually a pretty cool guy too. This album was college, dating Ashley, singing in public, and writing a song. Some of it is painful, but that's how it goes.

a list of games im very good at but don't really enjoy playing

2008-07-28T23:04:00.005-04:00

apples to apples

blokus

candyland

i-spy or "i see something you don't see and the color is..."

phase-10

take four or speed scrabble

trading licks (not sure if this is technically a game or not, but its the game where you take turns punching each other in the arm and see who gives up first)

uno

war (card game)

Suicide Note

2008-04-15T19:19:00.002-04:00

Let it be known that if I am ever found dead with a suicide note nearby, I did not write it. If you come across such a sight, I want you to say right off, "He's been set up!" Don't stop until my name is cleared. I mean, seriously, you know me! I wouldn't do that! It's probably not even in my hand-writing.

As for the murderer/manslaughterer, I'm really not all that concerned about him/her. I guess you could press charges if it isn't too much of a hassle, but as long as the world knows I had nothing to do with my own death, I'm cool.

I guess now is as good of a time as any to will all my belongings to charity. I would also like to be cremated. I don't have many requests for the funeral, but I would like my closest friends and family members to sing the sacred harp hymn "I'm Going Home." It can be found on the Cold Mountain Soundtrack. Also, I would like Tommy Gene Hall to sing "Come Sail Away" by Styx.

I'm counting on all three of you readers to make sure that the world knows my innocence if this ever comes to pass. As unlikely as it may seem, I've always thought it's better to be safe than sorry. Thanks, friends!

On Oct. 13, 2058, consider these instructions void. You will recieve a new set of plans on that day.

Side Project

2008-03-13T21:08:00.005-04:00

Check out my new side project, bits and pieces. It's inspiring!

3 situations in which you could pose the question, "do you have a mouse in your pocket?"

2008-02-10T23:08:00.000-05:00

1. when someone says, "we're going to a coffee shop to watch this local singer-songwriter."

2. when someone says, "we're gonna stay in wal-mart all night long!"

3. when you see someone with a mouse-shaped bulge in their pocket putting small pieces of cheese down there. also, if a mouse tail is hanging out of the pocket.

The Last Conversation I Heard

2008-01-30T19:01:00.001-05:00

Stella was sitting at the table covered in pie. Jack walked by headed for the bathroom.

Stella said, "Jack, come here!"

"Not right now," he said. "I've got a little pooping to do."

Five minutes later I hear a yell from the bathroom. "MOMMY! I'm ready to wipe my poop crumbs!"

"Mommy's upstairs, Jack," I replied.

"Okay. DADDY! I'm ready to wipe my poop crumbs!"

And that's a pretty typical evening conversation around here.

Wal-Mart: Where the Customer is Always Right

2008-01-25T09:10:00.000-05:00

Some of you have probably been wondering if I've had the police called on me at Wal-Mart lately, and if you have, the answer is "Yes, I have."

If you want to know how, I'll tell you. If you don't, you've saved yourself valuable life minutes by not wasting your time reading this excessively long story.

Last night I took some teenagers to pick up a TV one of them had ordered from Wal-Mart's super-convenient, money-saving service "Site-to-Store." I had an email with me that had my order number, the list of authorized pickup people, and instructions that said, "PRINT THIS EMAIL. YOU WILL NEED IT AT THE STORE."

Unfortunately, and this is where my problems began, I forgot to add myself to the pickup person list. When Carla, the 50ish and grumpy manager, realized I wasn't Ashley Smith she told me there was nothing she could do, I would just have to have Ashley come get it. I told her Ashley was my wife and we'd been waiting 10 days and then asked if there was any way she could let me pick it up. She said no, I said okay, and then we walked away.

I didn't want to give up that easily so I went to Customer Service to see if there was a more sympathetic manager working. They told me Carla was the only one on and asked if there was anything they could do to help. I explained our problem and a lady said, "I understand what you're going through, my husband ordered something on that the other day and forgot to put me on the list and they wouldn't let me pick it up and I work here!" I told them it made sense that Wal-Mart had to be careful about giving out paid-for items, thanked them, and gave up.

For me, having a good idea in the Wal-Mart hygiene aisle is not unusual, and a few minutes later it happened again. "Hey! I know," I said to a disappointed teenager, "I'll call Ashley and have her add me to the pickup person list!" So I did, she did, and we walked back to the Site-to-Store pickup area.

Carla apparently saw us on the security camera and decided we were back to try again so she decided not to come out. After about 5 minutes the nice lady from Customer Service came back to help. I told her my wife added me to the list and she started trying to figure out how to get us the TV. That's when Carla burst through the doors and started passive-aggressively yelling things at the nice lady that she really wanted to say to me. She said things like, "He's not on the list and he's NOT getting that TV! Until I see Ashley SMITH with a valid ID, NO ONE is getting that TV! He was back here before and I duready told him he's NOT getting that TV! I'd like to know how he thinks he can get on the list in 5 minutes!"

I said, "With a cell phone and the internet."

Then she said my email notification was a fake because she'd just now gotten the TV off the truck and how could I have a notification before it was even ready? I told her I had no idea and asked if she thought I'd faked the whole email, complete with order number, tracking number, store number, Wal-Mart logo, etc.

Carla: That's not the notification!

Me: So I made this whole email up?

Carla: You're not getting that TV! Now I've told you once you're not on the list-

Me: I'm on the list now.

Carla: I'm going to have to call the police.

She stormed to the back doors and then stopped and turned around to yell some more.

Carla: I'm asking you to leave this store immediately! You're not on the list and until I see Ashley NO ONE is getting that TV!

Me: Can you please just check again to see that I'm on the list now?

Carla: You better leave this store immediately or do I need to call someone!?

Me: Yeah, another manager.

That's when she went to the back and I was left standing there with a scared employee and a scared teenager. I asked the nice lady to just check to see if I was on the list now but she had already peed herself and ran to the back to change. This was all kind of funny and I didn't really know what to do next. For all I knew the police were on their way.

Carla came back out about 5 minutes later and I stupidly asked her if she'd check the list to see that I was on it now. That's when she started waddling toward me, yelling and pointing her finger. I asked her to stop yelling and stop pointing her finger at me but I don't know if she heard me. She used a power move on me by saying, "YOU are NOT getting that TV! I will inform every manager, every employee, and every district manager in this STATE that YOU are not to pickup this TV!"

Carla: Now I have a meeting to lead and I'm done discussing this with you! You're not on the list and that's not the email you need!

Me: Then why does it say "Print this email notification. You'll need it at the store" right here?

At this point things got a little crazy because there were about 10-15 employees gathered in the back for the meeting Carla was about to lead.

Me: I know I can't get the TV tonight but if this isn't the notification we need can you please tell me what to bring next time?

Carla: This man is not on the list of pickup people and he has a fake email!

Me: I was added to the list 15 minutes ago and I printed this email from my wife's account this afternoon.

Carla (to all the employees): From his "WIFE'S ACCOUNT!" (She added the air quotes) THIS MAN HAS TRIED TO FRAUDULENTLY PICK UP MERCHANDISE UNDER A FALSE NAME! I'VE ASKED HIM TO LEAVE AND I'M GOING TO CALL THE LAUREN'S POLICE DEPARTMENT TO REMOVE HIM!"

She left.

I asked someone else standing there what I needed to bring to pick up the TV next time. She said she didn't know but the email I had wasn't what I needed. I asked her why it said "Print this notification and bring it to the store" on it. She said she didn't know, then pointed to the order number and said, "But I can tell you right now that's not your order number."

Me: Why does it say "Order Number?"

Then another employee said, "Jennifer, don't help him!"

That's when I realized Carla had been gone for a few minutes and I imagined the SWAT team storming in and dragging me from the store while I yelled, "Don't tase me, bro!" I imagined the story in the paper, trying to explain it to the judge, and the community service involved. Then I decided to leave as quickly as possible.

About 10 minutes after I got home I got a call on my cell phone. It went like this:

Carla: Who's speaking, please?

Me: Who's calling, please?

Carla: This is Walmart. Who's speaking please?

Me: This is Danny please.

Carla: I've contacted Walmart.com about you trying to pick up the merchandise and they said it was our discretion who we release the TV to and we've decided that we will only release the TV to Ashley Smith.

Me: So I was on the list then?

She hung up.

--------------------------EPILOGUE-----------------------------

Ashley went to the store the same night and picked up the TV with the same notification email. She spotted Carla hidden in a rack of maternity clothes talking on a walkie-talkie. The police never came.

Politics

2007-12-29T01:39:00.000-05:00

The lyrics from an excellent political rap song have been hitting very close to home lately. The rappers....er....poets that perform here have a greater understanding of our country and world than anyone in the upcoming election.

MP3 Download--->http://www.box.net/shared/phb5wirk00

A Political Rap

D. Spencer and B. Helton

What if, one day, you woke up and the earth was gone?

Think about it, children.

Stop filling the air with hazardous fumes

Before we wake up one day in our tombs

If we can land spaceships on planet mars

Then why can't we make more fuel-efficient cars

Global warming, "Hey man, whats that?"

Burnin' fossil fuels melting all the ice caps

The government's like a vampire sucking our necks

Taking all the money from our hard-earned checks

Kids wouldn't be so doped up on drugs

If their parents stayed together and gave them more hugs

Higher rates of obesity with processed meat

Birds choking on plastic saying, "Trick or tweet?"

Surely this is the worst of it.

2007-12-04T13:29:00.001-05:00

Okay I know I just wrote something, but not 2 minutes after I published the last blog things took a turn for the gross. A nurse knocked on my door with two vial-looking things in her hand. I said, "You don't want more blood do you?"

She was nice and smiled and said, "No, I'm just here with Infection control."

Ahhh, thank goodness, no more blood.

"I just need to get some samples from you to make sure you're not carrying any infections."

Easy enough.

"I'll need a sample from in your nose and one from your rectum. Would you please turn on your side?"

The windows are locked and she's between me and the door. I turned on my side.

Yes, I'd be happy to let you draw another sample at 3am.

2007-12-04T12:38:00.000-05:00

Let me start this blog by saying it's about dagdanged time Paul started contributing around here. I fully support his open letters, especially to Wilco, who used to be good before Jeff Tweedy gained enough confidence to consider himself a poetartist instead of a singer in a band. I also think his letter to VW should be CC'ed to BMW, who is also constantly concerned with seatbelt usage.

Just in case you haven't heard, my defibrillator shocked me 5 times in 2 minutes Saturday morning and it hurt worse than I ever imagined. It's kind of like being round-house kicked in the chest by Chuck Norris (with his stronger right leg) while being electrocuted. I don't recommend it.

Anyway, I'm back in the hospital and here are 10 of my complaints:

1. If blood loss is legitimately fatal, how can nurses get away with taking mine one vial at a time every hour? I like my blood and don't want them taking it but they don't seem to care.

2. Do they really need to measure my urine? I just went ahead and went in the toilet the first day and when the nurse came in looking for my pee I told her I'd estimate what I flushed at around 8oz. She looked very concerned and told me to please use the urinal that is provided. She shook her head and said, "I'll just have to write down you went an unmeasured amount."

3. Another pee complaint. A nurse comes in at 4am, turns on my light and asks, "Do you know if you've yooorinated since 11 last night?" My pee jug was empty and my bed felt dry so I didn't think so. "Well we're going to need you to go before the shift change." I got up and went.

4. The next morning the same thing: 4am, light comes on, empty pee jug.

Nurse: Do you know if you've yooooorinated since 11 last night?
Danny: I don't know.
Nurse: Well we're going to need some yoooorine before the shift change.
Danny: What time is the shift change?
Nurse: 7-8:30.
Danny: So I have 3 hours.
Nurse: They don't like to start the shift change without yooorine.
Danny: I'll have some pee for you by 7.

I thought that would get rid of her but she came back to check for pee every fifteen minutes until I finally drug myself out of bed and went sometime around 5:30am.

5. I have no more untapped veins in my arms or hands available for IV's.

6, I watched The View for almost 20 minutes this morning.

7. I don't want to mention the food because that part of hospital life is well-documented. It's important to note, however, that I've been snacking on paper towels.

8. Shawn Harrison, who we all know as Waldo Geraldo Faldo, is a comedic genius and should star in movies as a bumbling sidekick to a hardcore cop with a drinking problem.

9. Why does every single person who comes in here have to listen to my heart and lungs? I think they must hear something hilarious in there and they're all out in the hall laughing about it.

10. I don't like bathing at a sink. Actually I don't like bathing at all but I especially don't like bathing at a sink.

In closing, be good, eat your vegetables, wear your seatbelt, don't drink and drive, don't engage in risky behavior, exercise regularly, take your meds, and please, if your grandma is in the hospital go visit the poor woman.

Upcoming Contributions to these Interwebs

2007-11-27T22:21:00.000-05:00

I am in the process of writing numerous letters of concern to various companies, organizations, groups, etc. What follows is a short, incomplete list of these letters in no particular order:

Cheez-it - I bought a box a couple weeks ago and they tasted stale...but not really stale. I guess they kind of tasted like a cheap knock-off...almost like a Cheese Nip, but not really. The cheese was not right, nor was the amount of salt. Something had gone awry. They need to know.

Volkswagen - While riding shotgun in a friend's car, it repeatedly beeped until I buckled up. "Mind y'own beez wax!" will be included in this letter.

Wilco - What happened to these guys? At this rate, they will be selling their albums exclusively at Wal-Mart in five years. Jeff, start smoking again. Nels, step in front of a car. Jay, count your blessings and thank Jeff for ridding you of this nightmare.

Full Tilt Poker - I am on to your games. You pick me up, then you throw me down. Hand after hand, streak after streak, you push and pull me as you please. Not anymore, old friend. The year 2007 will ne'er see PawlSmyth at your tables again. Look for me in the new year, and be on your best behavior. You know that I am not afraid to use that "self-exclusion" option. Do not force my hand.

DogDoggit

The ARVD is Whipping Me

2007-11-26T11:22:00.000-05:00

Here's an update:

The doctors confirmed that I do have ARVD and put me on medicine called Sotalol. It's supposed to regulate my heartbeat and keep it from going into ventricular tachycardia (rapid heartbeat). They also put the pacemaker/defibrillator in my chest, which is shown in the picture. The pacemaker's purpose is to give my heart 8 solid beats in case it ever goes out of control again. If that doesn't get it going in a good rhythm the defibrillator will shock me to reset my heart. Thankfully it's a pretty small cut and the soreness is almost gone. I have a few more days before I'm allowed to lift my arm above my head and then I'll be almost back to normal.

I joined an ARVD support group on Yahoo! and have gotten some good information there. Most people have either never been shocked or have been shocked 20+ times. I'm hoping I'll be in the first group.

I had a lot of great people bring me things and keep me company while I was in the hospital and I'm very thankful for that. It even gave me a chance to get to see some old friends I hadn't seen in awhile.

The other good news is that since I've been out of the hospital I haven't peed on myself.

So my plans from here are to take up non-competitive medium-speed walking, golf, and find more people to play ping-pong with me. I was going to the YMCA for basketball 3 times a week before all this happened and considered going back to be the referee but I realized that would make everyone hate me.

A few people have asked me about it, so I've decided when I have more time I'll write about how pooping saved my life. I know this will be a favorite subject for years to come for at least a few people (I'm looking at you, Tommy Hall).

The Real Story (Without Tommy's Bias)

2007-11-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

I gave up on blogging awhile ago when I realized it was too much like writing. I figured I'd resume it temporarily though since I have this blog space sitting here and needed some outlet to let everyone know what's going on with me so you don't hear any crazy rumors. And also to defend myself from Tommy's blogs about this subject.

Actually I really can't defend myself too much. I'm in the ICU at St. Joseph's Hospital, haven't showered in four days, had to poop in a bucket, had an outbreak of what we're calling 'saline farts', and peed on my arm. It's actually what my life is like a lot of times, just that all those things happened in three days instead of seven.

To make a long story short, I've been having dizzy spells, racing heart, and passing out sometimes. Saturday night I was driving back from the Broecker house with Ashley and Paul and when I got out in Florence to pump some gas I collapsed. I was only out for 10-20 seconds but the last advice I got from a doctor was to get immediate help the next time it happened.

They drove me to the ER and when they hooked me up to all the stuff a lot of people started rushing in. One doctor kept rubbing really hard on my neck and said, "Bear down like you're trying to take a serious bowel movement. Come on, you need to make your face turn really red!" That was kind of funny since I needed to go at the time anyway and even though I didn't know I was in danger, she didn't know she was in danger of getting pooped on.

So basically what they've told me now is that twice that night my heart rate was near 300 (it's usually around 60), which is life-threatening if they can't get it stopped. The scary part to me is that Monday - Friday night I could feel my heart doing the same thing except worse.

Saturday night the doctor came in and said he's pretty sure I have a rare thing called ARVD. The cardiologist here has been at it for a long time and says he's never seen a case of it. It's a long name and if you're curious about it you can look at www.arvd.com or go to webMD and search for it. They have a pretty interesting video about it there. It has something to do with my right ventricle being enlarged which causes the electrical part of my heart to start messing up and freaking out sometimes.

Tomorrow they're going in through my leg to do electrical mapping of my heart and based on what they find they'll do a little burning here and there to fix me up. They're also going to put an ICD (defibrillator) under my skin above my heart to shock when it starts going out of control. So the good news with that is I'm now invincible.

The bad news is I can't ever play competitive sports again and will be limited in some other ways. He says I should probably take up golf. He also says I can continue to dominate in ping-pong.

There you go, the real story. I may update this in the next couple of days to let you know how everything goes or if anything changes. Or if I pee on myself again.

Geriatric Dancing

2007-08-27T22:54:00.000-04:00

This week hasn't been good for my self-esteem.

Three nights ago I took 3 teenage girls to a free pop punk show at a high school. I sat in a chair in the back the whole time and monitored every boy who yelled in the ears of the girls I was with. It made me realize that somewhere between graduating college and having kids I became a somewhat responsible adult.

I kept telling myself I could probably push my way to the front and start pumping my fist and throwing water bottles and fit right in, but I know the truth - my mere adult presence would cause some kids to start behaving themselves and cause others to throw water my way.

It was a church sponsored concert so there were a few other people sitting in chairs with me in the back. As much as I tried to avoid their eye contact, I kept finding myself exchanging knowing glances with them. We gave each other facial expressions that mean things like, "Loud enough for ya!?" and "Heh, heh...kids these days!"

Two days after that, Jack started pre-school. I was happy and excited for him - especially since he has a brand new Cars backpack - but I know if he's getting old, I'm getting old.

So then today, just as I'm starting to feel a little bit younger and cooler after a phone call from a friend about another friend who attempted to moon the first friend and ended up bunny-hopping 3 times and face-planting on the rain-soaked sidewalk, I go to the doctor and come back looking like this:

The whole time they were hooking it up all I could think about was Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable running on a treadmill in his doctor's office and coming home banned from eating desserts. Now I get to walk around for the next 24 hours while people wonder why I have a computer in a bag attached to my belt and wires coming out of my shirt. And I'm still not sure if I should feel better or worse about the nurse saying, "Oh good, we won't have to shave your chest!" when I took off my shirt.

dognabbers

2007-08-15T23:11:00.000-04:00

and i told you no one would read it.

2007-08-15T17:53:00.001-04:00

dagdangit, paul, i told you we'd never write on our blog.

gum

2007-08-07T14:59:00.000-04:00

i have no respect for anyone that buys gum--chewing or bubble.

I hate it when old people are right.

2007-08-04T18:20:00.000-04:00

In another victory for aging curmudgeons, Aquafina had to admit their bottled water was nothing but filtered tap water.

The fact that I've paid $1 or more for a bottle of filtered Mississippi water doesn't bother me as much as the fact that these cynical old people - so fond of phrases like "Bottled water!? Why would I pay for water when I can get it for free in the sink?" and "Pretty soon they'll be charging you to breathe!" - now have the satisfaction of knowing they were pretty much right.

I like it when old people feel good about themselves just as much as the next guy, but this bottled water thing is making a lot of people feel a little too smart. The middle-aged hippie lady at work who I privately ridiculed for refilling her water bottle in the sink now acts like she's some kind of sage.

Add to this problem all the know-it-all CamelBak wearers who now sip from their little straws all day like they're the most resourceful people on earth. I understand these things if you're on a bike ride or hiking through the desert, but when you're sitting in the library sipping from a bag of water attached to your back you just look a little ridiculous.

Go ahead and defend yourself with scientific studies about brain activity and colonic-health being related to proper hydration Mr. H2O backpack. And if you need any help refilling, Grandpa and I will be drinking from the hose.

What to Expect (When You're Expecting)

2007-08-02T19:33:00.000-04:00

What to expect from this blog:

1. To read extremely deep thoughts from brothers who refuse to blog before 1 a.m.

2. To misunderstand our deepness

3. To realize we're the deepest thinkers you know (and ever will know)*

4. To doubt your own deepness after reading new blogs**

5. To get new subjects for your next deep conversation

6. To envy our deepness

7. To wonder why we don't get six-figure salaries for our deepness

8. To realize how hard it is for us to write on your not-quite-as-deep-as-our-level-of-deepness level

9. To be deeped***

10. Pictures of our increasingly rock-like abs.

Thanks for reading our very first blog! We look forward to the magic that will happen between us.

*Assuming Danny's children don't learn from his deepness and eventually become deeper.

**Unless you're delusional and don't realize the deepness has gone over your head.

***We'd like to thank Rhiannon Leifheit for inspiring us to blog. She's a fashionista. (http://www.liebemarlene.blogspot.com)