apples to apples
blokus
candyland
i-spy or "i see something you don't see and the color is..."
phase-10
take four or speed scrabble
trading licks (not sure if this is technically a game or not, but its the game where you take turns punching each other in the arm and see who gives up first)
uno
war (card game)
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Suicide Note
Let it be known that if I am ever found dead with a suicide note nearby, I did not write it. If you come across such a sight, I want you to say right off, "He's been set up!" Don't stop until my name is cleared. I mean, seriously, you know me! I wouldn't do that! It's probably not even in my hand-writing.
As for the murderer/manslaughterer, I'm really not all that concerned about him/her. I guess you could press charges if it isn't too much of a hassle, but as long as the world knows I had nothing to do with my own death, I'm cool.
I guess now is as good of a time as any to will all my belongings to charity. I would also like to be cremated. I don't have many requests for the funeral, but I would like my closest friends and family members to sing the sacred harp hymn "I'm Going Home." It can be found on the Cold Mountain Soundtrack. Also, I would like Tommy Gene Hall to sing "Come Sail Away" by Styx.
I'm counting on all three of you readers to make sure that the world knows my innocence if this ever comes to pass. As unlikely as it may seem, I've always thought it's better to be safe than sorry. Thanks, friends!
On Oct. 13, 2058, consider these instructions void. You will recieve a new set of plans on that day.
As for the murderer/manslaughterer, I'm really not all that concerned about him/her. I guess you could press charges if it isn't too much of a hassle, but as long as the world knows I had nothing to do with my own death, I'm cool.
I guess now is as good of a time as any to will all my belongings to charity. I would also like to be cremated. I don't have many requests for the funeral, but I would like my closest friends and family members to sing the sacred harp hymn "I'm Going Home." It can be found on the Cold Mountain Soundtrack. Also, I would like Tommy Gene Hall to sing "Come Sail Away" by Styx.
I'm counting on all three of you readers to make sure that the world knows my innocence if this ever comes to pass. As unlikely as it may seem, I've always thought it's better to be safe than sorry. Thanks, friends!
On Oct. 13, 2058, consider these instructions void. You will recieve a new set of plans on that day.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
3 situations in which you could pose the question, "do you have a mouse in your pocket?"
1. when someone says, "we're going to a coffee shop to watch this local singer-songwriter."
2. when someone says, "we're gonna stay in wal-mart all night long!"
3. when you see someone with a mouse-shaped bulge in their pocket putting small pieces of cheese down there. also, if a mouse tail is hanging out of the pocket.
2. when someone says, "we're gonna stay in wal-mart all night long!"
3. when you see someone with a mouse-shaped bulge in their pocket putting small pieces of cheese down there. also, if a mouse tail is hanging out of the pocket.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The Last Conversation I Heard
Stella was sitting at the table covered in pie. Jack walked by headed for the bathroom.
Stella said, "Jack, come here!"
"Not right now," he said. "I've got a little pooping to do."
Five minutes later I hear a yell from the bathroom. "MOMMY! I'm ready to wipe my poop crumbs!"
"Mommy's upstairs, Jack," I replied.
"Okay. DADDY! I'm ready to wipe my poop crumbs!"
And that's a pretty typical evening conversation around here.
Stella said, "Jack, come here!"
"Not right now," he said. "I've got a little pooping to do."
Five minutes later I hear a yell from the bathroom. "MOMMY! I'm ready to wipe my poop crumbs!"
"Mommy's upstairs, Jack," I replied.
"Okay. DADDY! I'm ready to wipe my poop crumbs!"
And that's a pretty typical evening conversation around here.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Wal-Mart: Where the Customer is Always Right
Some of you have probably been wondering if I've had the police called on me at Wal-Mart lately, and if you have, the answer is "Yes, I have."
If you want to know how, I'll tell you. If you don't, you've saved yourself valuable life minutes by not wasting your time reading this excessively long story.
Last night I took some teenagers to pick up a TV one of them had ordered from Wal-Mart's super-convenient, money-saving service "Site-to-Store." I had an email with me that had my order number, the list of authorized pickup people, and instructions that said, "PRINT THIS EMAIL. YOU WILL NEED IT AT THE STORE."
Unfortunately, and this is where my problems began, I forgot to add myself to the pickup person list. When Carla, the 50ish and grumpy manager, realized I wasn't Ashley Smith she told me there was nothing she could do, I would just have to have Ashley come get it. I told her Ashley was my wife and we'd been waiting 10 days and then asked if there was any way she could let me pick it up. She said no, I said okay, and then we walked away.
I didn't want to give up that easily so I went to Customer Service to see if there was a more sympathetic manager working. They told me Carla was the only one on and asked if there was anything they could do to help. I explained our problem and a lady said, "I understand what you're going through, my husband ordered something on that the other day and forgot to put me on the list and they wouldn't let me pick it up and I work here!" I told them it made sense that Wal-Mart had to be careful about giving out paid-for items, thanked them, and gave up.
For me, having a good idea in the Wal-Mart hygiene aisle is not unusual, and a few minutes later it happened again. "Hey! I know," I said to a disappointed teenager, "I'll call Ashley and have her add me to the pickup person list!" So I did, she did, and we walked back to the Site-to-Store pickup area.
Carla apparently saw us on the security camera and decided we were back to try again so she decided not to come out. After about 5 minutes the nice lady from Customer Service came back to help. I told her my wife added me to the list and she started trying to figure out how to get us the TV. That's when Carla burst through the doors and started passive-aggressively yelling things at the nice lady that she really wanted to say to me. She said things like, "He's not on the list and he's NOT getting that TV! Until I see Ashley SMITH with a valid ID, NO ONE is getting that TV! He was back here before and I duready told him he's NOT getting that TV! I'd like to know how he thinks he can get on the list in 5 minutes!"
I said, "With a cell phone and the internet."
Then she said my email notification was a fake because she'd just now gotten the TV off the truck and how could I have a notification before it was even ready? I told her I had no idea and asked if she thought I'd faked the whole email, complete with order number, tracking number, store number, Wal-Mart logo, etc.
Carla: That's not the notification!
Me: So I made this whole email up?
Carla: You're not getting that TV! Now I've told you once you're not on the list-
Me: I'm on the list now.
Carla: I'm going to have to call the police.
She stormed to the back doors and then stopped and turned around to yell some more.
Carla: I'm asking you to leave this store immediately! You're not on the list and until I see Ashley NO ONE is getting that TV!
Me: Can you please just check again to see that I'm on the list now?
Carla: You better leave this store immediately or do I need to call someone!?
Me: Yeah, another manager.
That's when she went to the back and I was left standing there with a scared employee and a scared teenager. I asked the nice lady to just check to see if I was on the list now but she had already peed herself and ran to the back to change. This was all kind of funny and I didn't really know what to do next. For all I knew the police were on their way.
Carla came back out about 5 minutes later and I stupidly asked her if she'd check the list to see that I was on it now. That's when she started waddling toward me, yelling and pointing her finger. I asked her to stop yelling and stop pointing her finger at me but I don't know if she heard me. She used a power move on me by saying, "YOU are NOT getting that TV! I will inform every manager, every employee, and every district manager in this STATE that YOU are not to pickup this TV!"
Carla: Now I have a meeting to lead and I'm done discussing this with you! You're not on the list and that's not the email you need!
Me: Then why does it say "Print this email notification. You'll need it at the store" right here?
At this point things got a little crazy because there were about 10-15 employees gathered in the back for the meeting Carla was about to lead.
Me: I know I can't get the TV tonight but if this isn't the notification we need can you please tell me what to bring next time?
Carla: This man is not on the list of pickup people and he has a fake email!
Me: I was added to the list 15 minutes ago and I printed this email from my wife's account this afternoon.
Carla (to all the employees): From his "WIFE'S ACCOUNT!" (She added the air quotes) THIS MAN HAS TRIED TO FRAUDULENTLY PICK UP MERCHANDISE UNDER A FALSE NAME! I'VE ASKED HIM TO LEAVE AND I'M GOING TO CALL THE LAUREN'S POLICE DEPARTMENT TO REMOVE HIM!"
She left.
I asked someone else standing there what I needed to bring to pick up the TV next time. She said she didn't know but the email I had wasn't what I needed. I asked her why it said "Print this notification and bring it to the store" on it. She said she didn't know, then pointed to the order number and said, "But I can tell you right now that's not your order number."
Me: Why does it say "Order Number?"
Then another employee said, "Jennifer, don't help him!"
That's when I realized Carla had been gone for a few minutes and I imagined the SWAT team storming in and dragging me from the store while I yelled, "Don't tase me, bro!" I imagined the story in the paper, trying to explain it to the judge, and the community service involved. Then I decided to leave as quickly as possible.
About 10 minutes after I got home I got a call on my cell phone. It went like this:
Carla: Who's speaking, please?
Me: Who's calling, please?
Carla: This is Walmart. Who's speaking please?
Me: This is Danny please.
Carla: I've contacted Walmart.com about you trying to pick up the merchandise and they said it was our discretion who we release the TV to and we've decided that we will only release the TV to Ashley Smith.
Me: So I was on the list then?
She hung up.
--------------------------EPILOGUE-----------------------------
Ashley went to the store the same night and picked up the TV with the same notification email. She spotted Carla hidden in a rack of maternity clothes talking on a walkie-talkie. The police never came.
If you want to know how, I'll tell you. If you don't, you've saved yourself valuable life minutes by not wasting your time reading this excessively long story.
Last night I took some teenagers to pick up a TV one of them had ordered from Wal-Mart's super-convenient, money-saving service "Site-to-Store." I had an email with me that had my order number, the list of authorized pickup people, and instructions that said, "PRINT THIS EMAIL. YOU WILL NEED IT AT THE STORE."
Unfortunately, and this is where my problems began, I forgot to add myself to the pickup person list. When Carla, the 50ish and grumpy manager, realized I wasn't Ashley Smith she told me there was nothing she could do, I would just have to have Ashley come get it. I told her Ashley was my wife and we'd been waiting 10 days and then asked if there was any way she could let me pick it up. She said no, I said okay, and then we walked away.
I didn't want to give up that easily so I went to Customer Service to see if there was a more sympathetic manager working. They told me Carla was the only one on and asked if there was anything they could do to help. I explained our problem and a lady said, "I understand what you're going through, my husband ordered something on that the other day and forgot to put me on the list and they wouldn't let me pick it up and I work here!" I told them it made sense that Wal-Mart had to be careful about giving out paid-for items, thanked them, and gave up.
For me, having a good idea in the Wal-Mart hygiene aisle is not unusual, and a few minutes later it happened again. "Hey! I know," I said to a disappointed teenager, "I'll call Ashley and have her add me to the pickup person list!" So I did, she did, and we walked back to the Site-to-Store pickup area.
Carla apparently saw us on the security camera and decided we were back to try again so she decided not to come out. After about 5 minutes the nice lady from Customer Service came back to help. I told her my wife added me to the list and she started trying to figure out how to get us the TV. That's when Carla burst through the doors and started passive-aggressively yelling things at the nice lady that she really wanted to say to me. She said things like, "He's not on the list and he's NOT getting that TV! Until I see Ashley SMITH with a valid ID, NO ONE is getting that TV! He was back here before and I duready told him he's NOT getting that TV! I'd like to know how he thinks he can get on the list in 5 minutes!"
I said, "With a cell phone and the internet."
Then she said my email notification was a fake because she'd just now gotten the TV off the truck and how could I have a notification before it was even ready? I told her I had no idea and asked if she thought I'd faked the whole email, complete with order number, tracking number, store number, Wal-Mart logo, etc.
Carla: That's not the notification!
Me: So I made this whole email up?
Carla: You're not getting that TV! Now I've told you once you're not on the list-
Me: I'm on the list now.
Carla: I'm going to have to call the police.
She stormed to the back doors and then stopped and turned around to yell some more.
Carla: I'm asking you to leave this store immediately! You're not on the list and until I see Ashley NO ONE is getting that TV!
Me: Can you please just check again to see that I'm on the list now?
Carla: You better leave this store immediately or do I need to call someone!?
Me: Yeah, another manager.
That's when she went to the back and I was left standing there with a scared employee and a scared teenager. I asked the nice lady to just check to see if I was on the list now but she had already peed herself and ran to the back to change. This was all kind of funny and I didn't really know what to do next. For all I knew the police were on their way.
Carla came back out about 5 minutes later and I stupidly asked her if she'd check the list to see that I was on it now. That's when she started waddling toward me, yelling and pointing her finger. I asked her to stop yelling and stop pointing her finger at me but I don't know if she heard me. She used a power move on me by saying, "YOU are NOT getting that TV! I will inform every manager, every employee, and every district manager in this STATE that YOU are not to pickup this TV!"
Carla: Now I have a meeting to lead and I'm done discussing this with you! You're not on the list and that's not the email you need!
Me: Then why does it say "Print this email notification. You'll need it at the store" right here?
At this point things got a little crazy because there were about 10-15 employees gathered in the back for the meeting Carla was about to lead.
Me: I know I can't get the TV tonight but if this isn't the notification we need can you please tell me what to bring next time?
Carla: This man is not on the list of pickup people and he has a fake email!
Me: I was added to the list 15 minutes ago and I printed this email from my wife's account this afternoon.
Carla (to all the employees): From his "WIFE'S ACCOUNT!" (She added the air quotes) THIS MAN HAS TRIED TO FRAUDULENTLY PICK UP MERCHANDISE UNDER A FALSE NAME! I'VE ASKED HIM TO LEAVE AND I'M GOING TO CALL THE LAUREN'S POLICE DEPARTMENT TO REMOVE HIM!"
She left.
I asked someone else standing there what I needed to bring to pick up the TV next time. She said she didn't know but the email I had wasn't what I needed. I asked her why it said "Print this notification and bring it to the store" on it. She said she didn't know, then pointed to the order number and said, "But I can tell you right now that's not your order number."
Me: Why does it say "Order Number?"
Then another employee said, "Jennifer, don't help him!"
That's when I realized Carla had been gone for a few minutes and I imagined the SWAT team storming in and dragging me from the store while I yelled, "Don't tase me, bro!" I imagined the story in the paper, trying to explain it to the judge, and the community service involved. Then I decided to leave as quickly as possible.
About 10 minutes after I got home I got a call on my cell phone. It went like this:
Carla: Who's speaking, please?
Me: Who's calling, please?
Carla: This is Walmart. Who's speaking please?
Me: This is Danny please.
Carla: I've contacted Walmart.com about you trying to pick up the merchandise and they said it was our discretion who we release the TV to and we've decided that we will only release the TV to Ashley Smith.
Me: So I was on the list then?
She hung up.
--------------------------EPILOGUE-----------------------------
Ashley went to the store the same night and picked up the TV with the same notification email. She spotted Carla hidden in a rack of maternity clothes talking on a walkie-talkie. The police never came.
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